I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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