I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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