So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
