chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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