So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize