Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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