I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
