I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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