oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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