if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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