I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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