I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
