ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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