My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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