I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Randomize