the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
