I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
