The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
