so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
