What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
