My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
