Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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