I bet he comes in French.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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