she was so not down for the gang bang
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
