apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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