If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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