I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
