drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
