I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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