i love accidental penises.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
