Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
