Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
