Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
