Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
