you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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