i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We left the knife in your bed.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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