He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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