i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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