someone owes me an orgasm
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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