I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
