All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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