I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
