so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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