How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
