My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
me + whiskey = a bad person
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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