omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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