Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
