You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
