I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
