I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
