Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
