I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
