this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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