Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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