I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
