He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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