i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In America we eat man semen.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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