Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
