eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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