He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Ladies don't puke and tell
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
