I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
