oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
