I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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