Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
