I got chris browned last night
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
