I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize