she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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